I'm sleepless. Sleepless like a methfreak on his seventh day on the dust at a Atari Teenage Riot marathon... and yeah.. star wars and shit. Anyway, it feels like I am becoming more and more aware of myself, mainly my flaws. It's fucked up. The other day a friend of mine commented that he partly had lost his respect for me after a certain incident. I just froze and suddenly realized, what the fuck am I doing here? I am probably the last person in the world I would want to hang out with if I was someone else. My entire life is refering to lyrics, pretending to know it all yet having answers to nothing. I sit late at night and nod to the thought of my own ideas and completely forgets about reflecting around them, my ideas are as shallow as myself.
I am childish, annoying, unrealistic and disoriented. What the fuck? I copy everything around me and try to shape it into identity. I have ideals I can't back up and yet I follow them. I am too queer for the straight and too straight for the queer. Avoiding everything and constantly ending up confronting shit and backing out from it. I rip off and fuck up. Is this really who I am? If I try to look at myself as another person I think I'd actually ditch me and go hang out with someone else. I think I'd actually be talking about myself behind my back, honestly.
Even now, my confessions of selfawareness and acceptance of a new level of low self esteem I am whining over a fucking blog and calling it a personal revolution.
What the fuck is going on?
I am scared shitless.